Competitions:  Motivators for Growth or Destroyers of Self-Esteem?

In the not too distant past, competition was a negative word in educational circles.  The thinking was that children are damaged by competition and that a competitive environment prevents them from developing their talents. There is some truth to that observation.  And yet we have seen that kids left alone like to compete with each other.  How often have you heard, “race you to the fence over there,” or “I”ll bet I can do more jumping jacks than you.”  The truth is, we like to test our abilities against someone else’s to see where we are and to challenge ourselves to do more.  This can be a very healthy attitude.

Music competitions likewise can be an experience that challenges our kids and helps them to grow or it can be discouraging and damaging.  What makes the difference and what role do we parents play in all of this?

In order to compete in a healthy way, kids need to understand how the “game” is played and what they can expect and not expect.  A music competition is not like a timed athletic race where it is clear who wins by who jumps farther or runs faster or throws the object the furthest.  Music competitions are more like the ice skating events we love to watch- very subjective.  This isn’t too say that the judges aren’t highly trained and know what to look for or listen for, but nonetheless, music is an art and subject to a lot of interpretation.  We have all witnessed events, whether in sports or in music where we didn’t agree with the referee or the judge’s decision.  It happens because judges are only human and can make mistakes, or we simply don’t agree with their perspective.  So a healthy attitude to have towards a competition is to know going into it, that one might not get the desired outcome.  Sometimes a student can prepare with great diligence, but in the moment it doesn’t come together as well as they had hoped for. Or maybe the preparation wasn’t as thorough  as it needed to be, or maybe it was just an off day, or maybe the judging seemed off.   We as parents and teachers can help to frame these experiences in a way that can be very helpful to our kids.  We can be a consistent ally, not effected very much by the win or the loss.  We can teach them that sometimes we win and sometimes we lose- no big deal.  We can teach them to be respectful of other people’s opinions even when we don’t agree with them, and to not gloat over doing better than someone else.   Kids will pick up from us our attitude of what is important and what is not important.  Winning a competition can be great fun, and losing not so much fun, but whatever the experience is, it can be something we can learn from and use as fuel and grist to keep moving forward.  Competitions do not always reward the laws of sowing and reaping but real life does and that is what we want our kids to keep their focus on- prepare well consistently over time and you will have life skills.

“Music washes away from the soul the dust of every day life.” Berthold Auerbach

We all understand what is meant when someone says, “You’re not listening to me.”  Physically, our ears take in the sound waves but mentally we are not truly listening.   This can be done on purpose because we don’t want to listen to someone but much of our non-listening state is a defense against our environment .  We live in a noisy world, from the noise of cars, to the constant hum of electronics to the seemingly ever present music jingles associated with advertising.  Just notice how quiet your house becomes when the electricity goes off!  And so we have learned to tune out a great deal of our environment and we shut out sound.  This is probably a good thing but we sometimes don’t realize that we need to then intentionally switch on our hearing again and choose to truly listen to something and not just hear it.

One of the important aspects of learning to play the piano is learning how to listen.  Students are learning a whole new language- the language of music- and it requires that they learn to listen.  In its essence, listening is really paying attention to something, being fully present and taking in every aspect of it.  It helps to know what to listen for, especially if it is something completely unknown which is why I give the students guided listening assignments each week.  I want them to be exposed to a wide variety of music but also to learn how to really pay attention to something and be completely present, not thinking about what happened in school that day, or what might be happening tomorrow.  But isn’t that the challenge for us as well?  We struggle to stay in the present and to really pay attention to each passing moment.

I would encourage you to listen to the listening assignment along with your child at least once during each week.  They are not very long and I offer a wide variety of music.  Try waiting about 30 seconds before you start the excerpt and just let there be silence.  Silence is the best environment in which to hear music.  Music can be as refreshing and invigorating as a cool breeze on a hot day and in our busy chaotic lives we need that refreshment.  Take a few moments this week and truly listen to music.

One question that I am frequently asked by parents is whether or not they should attend the weekly piano lesson.  Though this really has to be answered individually because there are so many variables, I can offer some guide lines and some things to consider.

In general, I recommend that a parent attend the lesson with a young student (5-7 yrs. old) for at least the first six months.  Again, this depends a lot on the maturity of the child and how well they can take in and remember the lesson material.  Keep in mind how different the music lesson is from school, in that with the music lesson the student is expected to work independently for the majority of the time.  This is quite different from the school learning environment.  Some kids work well on their own while others need the guidance and reminders of an adult.  If the patterns and habits can be well established in the first six months then the whole process of learning has a much greater possibility for success.

For the student who has been taking more than six months or is older, I find that it is not as important for the parent to remain during the lesson.  Some parents enjoy staying and just having a break from their busy routines and others want to use the time to accomplish another task.  However, I would suggest that if you normally don’t stay during the lesson to try and come and sit in at least once every 3-4 months.  That will communicate to your child that this is important to you and will also give you an idea of what I am teaching during that time period.  I have found it very helpful when a parent will stay periodically as I can mention to them some ways to help at home and where there may be some lack of attention in a certain area of learning.  If you choose to remain during the lesson be careful that you don’t carry too much of the responsibility of learning and growing.  It is the student’s responsibility to take in and remember what I am teaching and then to implement it at home.  Your job is to create the structure and environment in which they can accomplish that.  But sometimes it helps the student to realize that you, the parent, also know what is expected from them because you heard it yourself at the lesson.

When a student is in the last years of middle school or high school then it takes careful consideration to figure out if your presence at the lesson is 1.) neutral,  2.) positive, 3.) negative.  This depends a lot on your relationship with your child during this season of their life and the best recommendation I have is to talk about it with your student.   Most kids of this age group are wanting more independence and a feeling of ownership of experiences separate from their parents.  But there are so many variables that I would simply advise talking about it, making sure that your child is able to express freely their opinion on the subject.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Have you considered how freely we use the word “fun”?  We will say it’s fun to go to a movie, or get ice cream or go on a hike.  But we will also use the word fun to describe some activities that have many parts to them that by themselves, we would not ordinarily call “fun”.  Take my husband’s interest in golfing, for instance.  He is willing to get up at 5:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning, drive for 45 min., sometimes in the fog, lug around a heavy bag full of bulky things, trying to hit a little ball into a small hole.  He calls this “fun!”

Now what does all of this have to do with learning to play the piano?  Sometimes we parents want things like studying the piano to be fun for our kids. And it should be.  But may I suggest that not every moment of the experience will be “fun.” Students need help in recognizing more subtle experiences of fun.  Their awareness can to brought to notice moments of deep satisfaction; feelings of success; sense of elation when emotions are connected to the music.  But in order to have that kind of fun, it often requires doing things that won’t necessarily feel fun, at that moment.  Sometimes I think we miss the little moments of success in the daily process of practicing whatever we’re trying to learn.  This is a concept I am communicating to the students when I see them at their lessons.  I want them to notice the small successes and to experience the fun that comes with improvement.

So how can you help your child to tolerate the harder parts of piano study in order to experience the “fun”? You can help by reinforcing the small improvements you hear at home.  Piano practicing can be lonely, and I would encourage you to sit and listen to your child play for about 5 min. at least twice a week. (With older students- middle school and above- ask them when a good time would be to come and listen.)  This is not with the purpose of instructing or pointing out anything negative, but just to be with them and really listen.  That can feel very encouraging and helps with the loneliness.  I am convinced that it is the friend aspect that makes sports so popular.  When you think about it, there are many parts to sports that most kids would not call “fun”, but they are with friends and they have the support and connection that comes with other people doing something with them.  That is hard to duplicate with the study of a musical instrument, (which is one reason why I have group lessons) but you can also help by your interest and presence during practicing.

Hello Parents!  This part of my website is going to be just for you giving you ideas for practice motivation and how best to support your child’s musical journey.  There will be links to articles and music that you might find helpful and interesting.

As this brand new year begins it is a wonderful time to start afresh and have some carrots in your back pocket to motivate and encourage your child.  One of the most helpful things I know in regards to practicing is to have a schedule.  Sit down with your child and go over the week with them and decide and agree upon a regular practice time. Having the schedule set ahead of time will help you to avoid that daily nagging of asking if the student has practiced.  It is also helpful to sometimes have little rewards built into a practice schedule.  While we all would like to have music be its own motivator, I find that everyone needs a little extra more tangible reward at times.  Try setting up some sort of reward system if a student achieves a complete week (for a young child) or month of practicing (for older student).  The rewards could be things like a jamba juice treat/baskin robbins/ or a shared activity like a bike ride together, or going on a hike.

Also, don’t be surprised with the complaining that you will hear at times from your child about having to practice.  This is normal and sometimes it helps to just agree with your child saying something like, “Yeah, I know it can be hard sometimes to fit everything in.  But I’m really proud of how you are managing so well.”  Sometimes just sympathizing with someone will help them feel like you understand.  But if this kind of complaining becomes a daily comment I would suggest that you create a “no whining” environment in your home.  Complaining can become a bad habit just like anything else and the negative words only bring the student down.  If you have a real complainer, again try a rewards system for a week of no complaints about practicing.

Finally, here is a link to a website that has a video that I think you will find inspiring.  You may even what your child to listen to it.  Learning to play an instrument well is not something that happens quickly.  It is a long process but as you will hear from the kids in this video it is well worth the effort it takes.  Hang in there, parents!  You are giving your child a wonderful opportunity and gift to be able to understand and experience the world of music.